Reflection on 2nd Quarter

Second quarter was, in many ways, much more difficult than the first. One good thing I can say is that this is one class where I feel very comfortable sharing my own thoughts, which is not usually true. I truly enjoy the dynamic of our class. It's a great community.

But I feel as though I lost a lot of motivation in second quarter, in this class, and frankly, in school in general. I felt very out-of-focus overall.

Getting through The Republic was tough. The only other book I have read from that point in time is The Odyssey, which I struggled with even more. I disagreed so frequently with Plato, and found his style of explaining ideas exasperating. I wished he would present his ideas in a clearer format. I understand that the purpose of explaining ideas through a dialogue was to show how to arrive at a conclusion, rather than being force-fed information to agree with. But it was frustrating! The wording was also difficult to get through, which I imagine had a lot to do with translating ancient Greek. So I'm sorry to admit that I don't think I got everything I could out of that book. I did the readings, but I did not enjoy them, or have any desire to delve further. I am regretful that I didn't put more into this. It was an interesting experience to read an older philosophical text, especially because this is the first thing we have read directly from that author, as opposed to someone else's interpretations. But I would've gained more from it if I was better focused.

I already wrote a bit about my regrets over writing the song, but I am at least happy that I finally pulled myself together and finished it. I think that my viewpoint in this class started to shift drastically during the debate on imperfect societies. I felt much more engaged. I was able to synthesize a lot of outside information on forms of government, and it made it much easier to relate The Republic to my own life. I am still somewhat surprised that I actually enjoyed debating. Being put on the spot and asked to defend an idea is not something I'm terribly good at it. In the past, I have been pretty awful at eliciting ideas verbally, but I think that I've improved a lot this year.

And the unit on art has been great, I think because it is something all of us can instantly relate to. I was irrationally nervous about playing two songs for the class. I actually had to stop myself from shaking while I was waiting, even though it was a very easy assignment. Natalie and I were talking about how it has something to do with sharing such a personal part of yourself with a group of people. The songs you like make up a part of who you are. I think everyone sharing songs with others actually made us closer as a class. I loved every song I heard, and hearing people explain their own experiences with them made them take on a much deeper meaning.

Anyways, I am looking forward to my last semester of high school, a time where I believe we all start to philosophize a bit more, whether we want to or not.

My Song

I've had this post sitting unfinished for about a month now. Since this is our second musical assignment this year, I think it's a good time to finally get this done!

I'm can't say I'm really proud of the song I wrote for class, which basically is about me not wanting to write a song. The thought of having to write something and present it to the class was so nerve-wracking to me that I put it off until the morning of, when I decided I didn't have the time or desire to finish the assignment. I had been thinking of what to write before that point, but I was so nervous about writing something bad, that I ended up scrapping every one of my attempts before I got anywhere. Even though I knew this wasn't meant to be a masterpiece or anything, I hated the thought of writing and presenting so much that I almost convinced myself I didn't actually have to do it, and I wouldn't be able to do it anyways.

Of course I was forced out of that delusion after going to class, and I wrote the song that night. Like I said in class, I had been trying use melodies to songs I really loved, but then I never wanted to change the lyrics. So I chose Will The Circle Be Unbroken because it has a pretty, simple melody, and I didn't know much of the lyrics beforehand. I wrote about fear, nerves, and regret because these things prevent me from going on with a lot of plans- even the smallest things, like this assignment. At the time I was feeling especially stressed and miserable about the college application process, which added to my worry that I couldn't do anything well. So the song was meant to be my response to all of that; I was telling myself to gain some confidence and be more positive.

Surprisingly, I actually really enjoyed singing in front of class. I'm not a great singer or guitar player, but I felt like was sharing an intimate part of myself- and that didn't bother me! I could forget all the worry I hard over the assignment and just enjoy performing . And it was wonderful to hear what everyone else created. There were some truly amazing songs!

I am reminded of a project we had sophomore year, in which we had to write a short story about anything we wanted to. I wanted so badly to write something really well, and became so nervous and disappointed in what I was doing that I made myself miserable. It got to the point that I couldn't even look at or think about writing anything. I hated it. For no reason! No one was going to criticize me about anything I wrote. It wasn't being published. I ended up turning in a haphazardly written story two days before the school year ended- over a month after the project was due.

I think that there's an idea, or even hope, that creating a piece of writing or art is some random act of brilliance. Close your eyes and pour out all your thoughts and emotions- then something beautiful will be created if you have it in you. But it is a long, painful process. You have to come up with a lot of bad stuff before you can hit something gold. You have to revise, redo, revise and redo, a million times. You have to spend so much time working on something that you don't want to look at it anymore. You have to fail some before you can succeed.

And the idea of failure is always frightening. But, at least in my case, failing at something this intimate stings that much more. If you can't even successfully express what you're feeling, what the hell can you do? That's a warped line of thought I often fall to. It's hurt me a lot over the past few years. Creation is a continuing process. It is not an all-or-nothing attempt. Every step you take is improvement. You just have to summon up the courage and persistence to take those steps.

Wall Of Death

Wall of Death, by Richard & Linda Thompson

I wanted to do another song that was faster and livelier. This song is from the album Shoot Out The Lights. Considering the title, it's funny that this is the most upbeat track on the album!

I can't say this song accurately pinpoints any one point in my life, because I am not that cool. But the way it describes becoming bored with every typical, mundane activity is something I think most of us can relate to. We are all somewhat drawn to what is most risky and dangerous. The narrator in this song doesn't care for anything at a carnival except the "Wall of Death", which could symbolize any risk, or even destructive behavior. I'm an extremely cautious, worrisome person, so I like that this song advocates throwing aside all your boring day-to-day activities and living on the edge. At the same time, it's kind of sad. The person in the song doesn't enjoy anything unless it's somewhat destructive. On some level, I think this speaks to all of us. Even if we live perfectly "normal" lives, we may have some small, secret hope to forget it all and just leap.

Also, the guitar playing in this song is great, especially in the live version I have on my iPod. I love the way the song is set up as someone going to a fair. This is just a really fun song I love to listen to at home.

Don't You Take It Too Bad

Don't You Take It Too Bad, by Townes Van Zandt

I first heard this song earlier this year. I think it is the perfect song for any slow, rainy morning. Or anytime you're feeling down and tired ( and unfeeling, unloving, and alone. :) ). I love this song because it reminds me that we aren't perfect and life isn't perfect, and to not stress if things aren't going exactly they should. The lines: "And if you go searching/ For rhyme or for reason/ Well you won't have the time/ That it takes just for talking" are great, especially considering how much we search for meaning in a philosophy class. Although it is important to look to the big picture, we can't become obsessed with trying to find something "better" and forget how enjoyable small things in life are.

This song speaks to me, because honestly, I often feel guilty about the person I am and how I spend my time, like I'm not living the "right" way. And this always makes me smile, because I remember that everyone feels this from time to time. Life can be a bit screwy, but there is still beauty found in some of the most common things. How soft the time flies past your window at night. The sweetness of springtime and the sound of the rain. I feel happy and not alone.

As for my personal aesthetic, I love how Townes Van Zandt uses a simplistic lyrical style in his songs to express emotion so powerfully. The instrumentals in this particular song are very pretty and relaxing, and the words are also soft and sweet. They fit together perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lioB6CQeEX4

Reflection on 1st Quarter

A few days before school started, I had a dream that I went to this class and was bored and annoyed with it all for various reasons, which I mostly can not remember now. Thankfully, reality ( although I know someone would want to debate what constitutes reality...), couldn't be further from this image!

I wasn't sure to what to expect walking into class on the first day. I have to admit, I laughed a bit at the calming guitar music playing in the background- it was nice, but so stereotypical of a high school philosophy class! I was halfway through Sophie's World, and pretty unimpressed. Even though I was interested in philosophy as a whole, I honestly did not think I had a single thing worth saying to anyone, and I didn't really expect to learn anything of importance from my peers.

But after the first seminar two days later, I knew this would be a great year. Everyone was so passionate and sincere in their comments. There was no feeling of: "I have to speak this many times to get a good grade." It was organic. Everyone was upbeat and engaged, and there was no pressure. It wasn't like other discussions I've had throughout high school. Our class is made up of brilliant and encouraging individuals- the whole environment makes it easier to become interested and involved in whatever we're doing.

I really do like this class. I feel motivated to work harder and participate, not only for a grade, but because I care and I enjoy learning more. I find myself connecting the things we learn in class to everything I do outside of it. And I'm excited to continue learning more about myself and the world in upcoming quarters.

Bookstores

I visit Barnes and Noble in Clarendon at least every other weekend. I can spend hours picking up titles and thumbing through them with my friends or sisters. It's rare that I ever read through an entire page though, and much less likely that I actually take a book home. When I do buy a book, I tend to give up on it and move to something else after 100 pages or so.

On Saturday, I was determined to change that. I charged past the fiction and history sections that usually eat up so much of my time, and starting looking through the science shelves I never noticed before.

I saw The Digital Divide and was reminded of philosophy class, so I decided to sit down near a window and actually take the time to read through some of it. It's been awhile since I've read like this. I read articles on the internet, I read the chapters we're assigned for school and more, and I force myself to read around 10 pages of any book before going to sleep. But sitting by myself in the sun, there was a feeling of calm I don't usually experience. I didn't feel obligated to anything, and I didn't have to think of anything else. I didn't even have to worry about whether the book would be good or bad- it was just the simple act of reading.

The irony of The Digital Divide is that you don't need it. It's a collection of essays discussing the impact technological advances have on us, yet every one of these essays are readily available on the internet. So even though I knew I wanted to buy a book, it wasn't going to be that one. I looked at another book by Bauerlein (this one completely his own), The Dumbest Generation, but the title alone was enough to dissuade me. Looking up at the three shelves, I felt a sinking feeling. There was at least ten books that seemed interesting at first glance (one, coincidentally titled, How We Decide). But how do I know which one is worth devoting time and effort to? I couldn't read through all the books in a single shelf, I wasn't even going to get through the all the titles in a single shelf. With so much thought and effort put into one book, so much information at my fingertips, how would I know where to start?

I left empty-handed, again.

On Sunday, I was hanging out with a friend in Falls Church when we noticed Hole in Wall Books. It looked so quirky and fun that we dropped our plans for lunch and went inside. There were books everywhere. You couldn't see much of the wall. Shelves lined every inch of it, all jam-packed. Books were piled on tables and on the floor. It was exciting. There was none of the organization found in Barnes and Noble. Books from different decades, some costing less than a dollar, were all crammed together in different nooks. I figured I could buy some old 35 cent book with a funny title, go home, and discover a completely random and unknown idea.

I don't know why I didn't.

Does "information overload" exist not only on the internet, but in bookstores as well? I love walking around in them, knowing that there are different ideas, characters and stories existing in every one of the millions of pages. At the same time, I'm filled with a sense of hopelessness. There's so much that I want to know, and I will only ever be able to take in a fraction of the information in one single bookstore. It's so intimidating that I usually leave without even trying.

Music

You couldn't tell it was a Friday night at my house. At 9:30, almost all the lights were out. Both my sisters were asleep, my mom was reading upstairs with only a faint bluish glow from the nook, and my dad was dozing off in front of a muted baseball game on tv. I was rediscovering my love of piano.

Over the summer, I all but completely stopped practicing piano and guitar. Piano became a once-a-week, half-an-hour obligation where I had to try and not disappoint my teacher too much. And I didn't touch a guitar unless my dad asked me to play with him for 20 minutes or so. I felt tired, lazy, uninspired. With the start of senior year, this only worsened, as I was distracted and stressed out by everything school-related.

I'm not sure how to put this, but I felt passive and exhausted at the beginning of this school year. I was getting less sleep than ever, I felt like I couldn't devote my time to anything, I was losing interest in most everything. For awhile, it was basically walking to school and sitting around, then walking home and sitting around. So for those 45 minutes when I finally decided to sit down and create something beautiful, something I love, I felt happier then ever. I was alone in my own world, playing slow, sad, haunting, dramatic, peaceful, beautiful music. And it was all my own.

Music has always been a very personal, intimate thing for me. I don't like to listen to it or play it when any one else is around. Because the thought that something so affecting for me could be silly or wrong to someone else is frankly frightening. At the same time, isn't music a great unifier? Some 3 minute song can move thousands of people. People can have an personal connection with a song, while knowing that so many others have been touched by the same, simple arrangement of notes.

This is why I'm trying to be less insecure and protective of my music. I used to never play piano when anyone else was around- because I might make mistakes and burden them with having to hear something "wrong." And I still look forward to the times when my family heads off to one of my sister's softball tournaments, and I can play one of my dad's SACDS which is incompatible with my iTunes, and spin around and sing alone, free from fear of judgement. But if I play something when someone else is around, and they don't enjoy it, I don't want to feel bad about bugging them. I want to live music. Because the only sad thing is when we are unable to appreciate something so individually yet universally beautiful.

Technology Changing our World

I've never been much of a technology person. I got a cell-phone in 9th grade without asking for one, often misplaced it, forgot it, lost it, and never answered it. 3 years later, I still don't know how to check my messages.

Cell phones are certainly convenient, but they also feel like a burden to me. Why should someone expect me to communicate with them at any place, at any time? I like feeling cut off from others once in awhile, able to live fully in the moment. With each innovation in communication technology, we become more closely connected to other people and places. At the same time, we become more disconnected from our immediate surroundings.

I feel that our world is starting to exist more in digital technology, and less in our physical surroundings. We learn about others lives from facebook statuses. We hear of major news events from twitter. We text friends even when people are talking right next to us. *

This all ties into the concept of multitasking, which was discussed and criticized in the documentary Digital Nation. With so many options for communicating with others and for finding new information/entertainment, we are faced with an overload of decisions to make. And often, when we can not decide what one thing to do, we try to do everything at once! When I'm on the internet, I'll often have up to ten tabs open. There is such an expansive world existing within the internet that I am tempted to take in all of it, without the work and patience needed to understand any of it. I constantly switch between tabs, forgetting what I was thinking about seconds ago.

People "switch tabs" constantly in everyday life. Text friends, do homework, talk to classmates, do other homework, surf the internet. This can all take place in minutes. We are overwhelmed by distractions, and struggle to commit to any task at hand.

Digital technology has a profound impact on our everyday life. We can learn anything, and talk to anyone, at any time. While this has great benefits, I feel that we often don't know how to handle the magnitude of it all. We linger between different ideas and different virtual worlds, unable to focus on any of them, ignoring the physical world we exist in.

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*This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I wanted to punch all students in the documentary who spent their dinner with friends texting other people! I'm not a very social person, and it's frustrating to try and talk to someone when they are focused on something else. Some of my closest friends will spend the time we hang out on iPhones, even when we haven't seen each other in weeks!

Sophie's World

Sophie’s World, by Jostein Gaarder, tells the history of Western Philosophy from the perspective of 15 year olds Sophie and Hilde. Although some may find this unimpressive, Gaarder sees this as the perfect way to tell his story. At the age of 15, both Sophie and Hilde are beginning to grow up, but still young, curious, and excited about the world, in contrast with adults, who have become too comfortable with their surroundings. The book aims to show its audience that philosophy is for everyone, so long as we have not been caught up in the rabbit’s fur.In the first chapter, we are introduced to Sophie Amundsen, a fairly typical teenage girl, questioning her existence and later, her world. She is intrigued by the mysterious letters she receives, which ask: “Who are you?”, and “Where does the world come from?” Although they should be relevant and interesting to every one of us, these essential questions are ignored everyday by the majority of people. Sophie’s reaction is, however, is of immediate curiosity and excitement. This contrasts strongly with typical stereotypes about teenage girls- that they are silly, shallow, and unknowledgeable, so they should not be taken seriously. Sophie is able to admit to herself that she is unknowledgeable about the answers to the questions, which only strengthens her curiosity and will to learn more.

Alberto’s first lesson for Sophie contains the metaphor of the rabbit fur, which becomes an important theme throughout the book. Alberto asks Sophie: “Is there nothing that interests us all? Is there northing that connects everyone- no matter who they are or where they live in the world?” It’s a powerful question, which shows just how unifying and central philosophy is to every one of our lives. In spite of it, we almost never really think about philosophical questions. Alberto states: “Although philosophical questions concern us all, we do not all become philosophers.” Almost every one of us becomes buried deep in the rabbit’s fur; too caught up in everyday affairs to notice how strange and wonderful our world is. The first two chapters can serve as Gaarder’s plea to the readers to think about what is truly important. We all have innate curiosity and should be thinking about big questions, although day-to-day affairs can be distracting.

The first person Gaarder shows who is caught up in the rabbit’s fur is Sophie’s mother. When Sophie asks her mom about the world and about philosophy, she is disturbed and thinks that her daughter might be on drugs. Sophie’s mom immediately brushes off every one of Sophie’s questions, as weird and uninteresting. This illustrates the idea that by the time most people reach adulthood, they take the world for granted, and lose their sense of wonder. Sophie’s mom exemplifies everything we could become if we do not question ourselves and our surroundings, and the jaded, uninspired attitudes we encounter daily.

However, Gaarder has a hopeful outcome near the end. Sophie’s mother shows great interest in meeting the philosopher, and possibly learning more. And although she doesn’t quite understand why Sophie is leaving her, she is proud of her daughter and wants what is best for her. We do not see anymore of Sophie’s mom within the book, but Alberto assures Sophie that they can come back to visit anytime. At the end of the novel, Sophie and Alberto are independent within their world, able to make their own choices and continue to learn more about how their existence. Hilde and Albert have a similar discussion about their universe. All the characters are questioning what is around them, while becoming more connected to their world.

By using the characters Sophie and Hilde, Gaarder is able to show just how relevant philosophy is to all of our lives, regardless of our position in the world. He hopes to demonstrate why we should all feel encouraged to think philosophically, and avoid being caught in the rabbit’s fur, as so many are. Every one of us has the same potential to question and to think critically and abstractly. Every one of us experiences the inexplicable forces that make our reality, our world, and ourselves.

Silence and Patience

We've been practicing meditation a lot. Each time I've found it relaxing and liberating. In complete silence, free of all distractions, just able to be. I get so exhausted with day-to-day affairs. I cherish almost every moment where I have no obligations to doing anything, to think anything, to talk to anyone.

For some reason, it wasn't like that last Friday.

For the first few minutes, I was fumbling to find a relaxing place, both physically and mentally. My mind kept drifting off on random tangents. Songs I should put in my iPod, funny stories I should tell my friends during General's Period, posts I should reblog on Tumblr, homework due over a week ago that I should really start (this post included!). I was maybe able to find 3-5 minutes of peace, when my mind became littered with trivialities again.

After awhile, it got worse. It wasn't just that I couldn't focus, but that I was frustrated, bored, and impatient. I didn't know how long we'd all been sitting here, and how much longer was left. What's the point of this anyways? Humans weren't meant to sit around in silence, isolated from the world around them. We're meant to act!

Honestly, I had a hard time coming to terms with the purpose of sitting in silence in a dark room, not thinking of anything. I guess it's okay that I couldn't attain a silent mind. But it's the things I was thinking about that disappointed me. There's nothing wrong with the thought that I should finish my homework and stop procrastinating, or that I should talk to my friends when I see them and be more social. But in that 18 minutes of freedom, I didn't come to any great understandings. I was just stuck in my day-to-day routine, the one I complain about all the time.

I wonder if I would've achieved a silent mind, or at least thought about something more interesting and important to me, had this gone on longer. Or would I have just become more impatient?

Free Reign, Free Will

For most of class today, we were without a teacher.

And everything went fairly well. The discussion went on as planned and everyone was in a good mood.

One of the most interesting questions to come up was the concept of free will. Does it exist, and do we have it? Emma asked jokingly if we had sat down to discuss Sophie's World out of our own will, or if Mr.Summers somehow had control of the whole thing? Funnily enough, Mr.Summers appeared at the door about half a minute later.

I don't know if there's any way to tell whether or not we have free will. It might not even matter. What's important is that we are happy with our decisions in life. Even with the freedom of choice, we are pressured everyday to make the "proper" one. We are told that there's a specific way to live well, one that works for everyone.

Go to school. Get good grades. Join extracurriculars and win awards and leadership positions. Make lots of friends who are interesting and diverse, but still like you. Get into a good college and get a good job.

Do whatever, it doesn't matter as long as you're happy.

At age 17, I feel that I'm getting these messages more than ever. We're getting to the point where we'll soon have to start making serious decisions about our direction in life. As excited as I am for the independence that comes with college, it's confusing. I hear everywhere that I should do what makes me happy, but the same people that say this think that there is only one way to be happy.

I have the perceived free will to stop typing right now, to leave and hide somewhere in the mountains for the rest of my life, free from societal pressures. But I don't see it happening that way. As much as I want to be independent, I want more than anything to fit in.