My Song

I've had this post sitting unfinished for about a month now. Since this is our second musical assignment this year, I think it's a good time to finally get this done!

I'm can't say I'm really proud of the song I wrote for class, which basically is about me not wanting to write a song. The thought of having to write something and present it to the class was so nerve-wracking to me that I put it off until the morning of, when I decided I didn't have the time or desire to finish the assignment. I had been thinking of what to write before that point, but I was so nervous about writing something bad, that I ended up scrapping every one of my attempts before I got anywhere. Even though I knew this wasn't meant to be a masterpiece or anything, I hated the thought of writing and presenting so much that I almost convinced myself I didn't actually have to do it, and I wouldn't be able to do it anyways.

Of course I was forced out of that delusion after going to class, and I wrote the song that night. Like I said in class, I had been trying use melodies to songs I really loved, but then I never wanted to change the lyrics. So I chose Will The Circle Be Unbroken because it has a pretty, simple melody, and I didn't know much of the lyrics beforehand. I wrote about fear, nerves, and regret because these things prevent me from going on with a lot of plans- even the smallest things, like this assignment. At the time I was feeling especially stressed and miserable about the college application process, which added to my worry that I couldn't do anything well. So the song was meant to be my response to all of that; I was telling myself to gain some confidence and be more positive.

Surprisingly, I actually really enjoyed singing in front of class. I'm not a great singer or guitar player, but I felt like was sharing an intimate part of myself- and that didn't bother me! I could forget all the worry I hard over the assignment and just enjoy performing . And it was wonderful to hear what everyone else created. There were some truly amazing songs!

I am reminded of a project we had sophomore year, in which we had to write a short story about anything we wanted to. I wanted so badly to write something really well, and became so nervous and disappointed in what I was doing that I made myself miserable. It got to the point that I couldn't even look at or think about writing anything. I hated it. For no reason! No one was going to criticize me about anything I wrote. It wasn't being published. I ended up turning in a haphazardly written story two days before the school year ended- over a month after the project was due.

I think that there's an idea, or even hope, that creating a piece of writing or art is some random act of brilliance. Close your eyes and pour out all your thoughts and emotions- then something beautiful will be created if you have it in you. But it is a long, painful process. You have to come up with a lot of bad stuff before you can hit something gold. You have to revise, redo, revise and redo, a million times. You have to spend so much time working on something that you don't want to look at it anymore. You have to fail some before you can succeed.

And the idea of failure is always frightening. But, at least in my case, failing at something this intimate stings that much more. If you can't even successfully express what you're feeling, what the hell can you do? That's a warped line of thought I often fall to. It's hurt me a lot over the past few years. Creation is a continuing process. It is not an all-or-nothing attempt. Every step you take is improvement. You just have to summon up the courage and persistence to take those steps.